Growing up, my dad was addicted and I told myself that I wouldn’t end up like him. But I did. I chose to use drugs, but I didn’t choose addiction. I don’t believe any of us do. I was a teenager trying to mask anxiety and depression. I was trying to fit in and feel good about myself. I say that using drugs worked. Why else would I have done it? I felt more confident and better about myself. Back then I didn’t have the tools and skills that I have now.

Without my dad around, I turned to the streets. I became a product of my environment. I got involved with gangs. I learned how to steal and earn money to support my lifestyle. When I was 27 years old, my friends and I got caught and I was sentenced to jail. 

Because drugs were the motivating factor for the crime, I was offered treatment. There, I met a counselor named Mike and he was different from the other counselors. He shared his story with me. It was the first time I felt like someone really understood me. He was funny and goofy and I just related to him. I could be open with him. In my culture, being a Black man, it felt tough to ask for help. There was a lot of pride. It wasn’t easy for me to open up and talk about myself and what I was feeling. But Mike made me comfortable. That’s when I started being honest with myself

It was scary at first. I looked at the unresolved trauma––all the pain––that I went through when I was young. My dad not being around. How I felt alone and neglected, like nobody cared about me. I realized that I went through a lot. I started feeling more compassion for myself. I saw the hurt and pain that was underneath my behavior. Instead of seeing myself as a bad person, I saw myself as someone who was hurting. I started to change the way I think and act. I began to heal from my past. I slowly found this new way to live life. 

Just because I got healthy didn’t mean things were magically fixed. After jail and after treatment, I worked construction––handcuffs to hard hats, I always say. There was this work hard play hard attitude. I knew a lot of people who were getting high and drinking in that job. I felt the flame for my recovery slowly burning out. I was in a tough spot. I had to ask myself whether I was happy or not. I had to ask myself what I really wanted in my life. And I remembered counselor Mike. I wanted to be like him. I wanted to be that person for someone. 

It’s funny how things happen. Out of nowhere, a friend of mine in recovery told me to apply for a job at a treatment center. That’s when I started working with people who were just like me. I started getting the fire back for my recovery. I got to sit with people and tell them that I’ve been where they are before. I like to say, “I’m just like you, only further down the road.” I get to share my recovery story with others. It helps them and it helps me. I get a lot out of just talking with others.

I like to think about my recovery through basketball. Sports are either about the collective work of a team or the individual. Golf and tennis are about individuals battling it out. Football is purely about the collective. Basketball kind of sits in the middle. In some cases, a player needs to rely on his teammates. In others, the player has to step up as an individual and be a star on the court and take over. I want to approach my recovery like Lebron James. He mastered that balance. He knows when to blend in and be a team player, and he knows when to stand out as an individual and be a star. 

I think the same way about recovery. I know I can’t do it alone. I know I need to connect with others. I need support and other people need that from me. But sometimes, I know I need to take care of myself and do what’s right for myself. I need that self-care. Over the years, I’ve been learning how to listen to myself and take care of my needs. I think that’s the ongoing work of my recovery. It’s about being a good person and feeling comfortable with myself and content in my life. 

It’s counter-intuitive: I feel like since I started caring for others and giving people hope, I feel like I’ve been taken care of in my life. Like, I got my dad back. And he got his son back. We’re both in recovery together. He’s super proud of me today and I’m proud of him. We recently bought a boat together and now we travel and we go fishing. He’s my guy. I can’t really explain how, but ever since I got into recovery, good things have happened for me. I can on take on anything life throws at me.